it hurts more in the daytime
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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