Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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