tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
