i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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