Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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