So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize