Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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