I could make wine with my vomit
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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