You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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