he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
