mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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