hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
