i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
