I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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