I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
