But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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