I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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