so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
