She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
