Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
