when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
