Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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