I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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