Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
