So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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