I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
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