if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
