Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
