my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
