this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
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this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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