Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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