He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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