I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
