Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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