I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
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I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room