First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.