Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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