From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
