foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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