I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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