i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
