So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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