So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
no you cant smoke seaweed
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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