i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
