i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
