apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
