were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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