You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
