the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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