quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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