I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
