The maid of honor just puked.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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