he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize