just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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